I have been contemplating if I should publish this post or not. Why? Because it feels very personal to me. For some reason I feel the need to write this and share, although I am not a fan of sharing my emotions with strangers. People do it all the time, though, right? They write books about how they feel, love that is found, that is lost. Death, birth. We as humans love reading about others situations and experiences because we can take it in and relate it to our own life experiences.
I think about then as I write this, if I do want to share or not. Do I want to share some feelings or emotions and put them out there on the world wide web? I want to keep this to myself, keep it special. I want to avoid jinxing it. Things as special and heavy that I have felt in the past week do not happen every day to me. In fact, this is the first time! The first time that I have met someone, in fact before I even actually met them, just at the mention of their name, feel that there was a connection. I knew "G" from the Dominican Republic, and last time I saw him was maybe 10 years ago. He didn't remember me when he saw me again that night. To put into words how I feel is what I can only imagine be described as finding a soul mate. Love at first sight. The first time "G" sat down in front of me at that restaurant and looked into my eyes I was drawn. Hooked. Addicted. Through out the entire meal, every time we talked or he would look into my eyes, I felt vulnerable, open, like he was reading me. I felt that his eyes were penetrating my soul and becoming friends with it. The amazing thing was that I didn't get nervous. Quite the contrary, I felt more and more confident and energized, like Superman and the sun. I don't know if he felt the same way, I haven't asked and he hasn't told me. I told him a bit of how I felt that first night when we met up a second time. Mind you it was noisy where we were that night I told him what had happened to me. But I wonder, was it just me? Was I alone in the sparks and magic? I would hope he too felt something, and I believe he did. I mean, he looks at me and I almost feel like he can't keep his eyes off of me. Every time our eyes connect I feel like grabbing him and kissing him. I'm drawn in like a magnet to a refrigerator. The closer I get the more our energy pulls me in.
I meditate quite a bit and believe strongly in asking and writing down the things you want in this life. What is just even more amazing is the same day that my friend Jessica mentions "G", I had earlier that day updated my goals for this year, and added a relationship category. I asked for my future partner to have the qualities that I believe would match and be compatible with mine in order to have a beautiful, loving relationship.
The more I've gotten to know "G", the more in shock I become with how he resembles and possesses all the attributes I want. To put it plainly, when I'm around him I'm not thinking about how I can phrase or say something to seem cool. Things that one normally thinks about when wanting to impress others, simply do not enter my mind. I am simply Jeremy with him. This is special right? This is a beautiful thing. The only thing in the way right now is the fact that "G" has a boyfriend. I have yet to meet his boyfriend, and can only say, he is a fortunate man.
It happens, the heart wants, what the heart wants right? I respect the fact that he's in a relationship and can only hope he's happy. I already skimmed the surface with "G" about how I felt from our first meeting, and have left it at that. I needed to get it off my chest or I was going to explode. I am just me and I avoid any signs of flirtation with him out of respect for his present situation, although I think this is hard. This is life. In the words of the Rolling Stones, "You can't always get what you want". Life changes, I know. So for the time being, I am going to continue being "G"'s friend. Maybe my feelings will subside and I'll meet someone else to focus this energy on. One thing I practice and remind myself is to let go. By letting go of my feelings and attachment I allow them to go into the universe and let them find their way home. Maybe they will come back to me. Maybe they won't. Either way, I am prepared.
If anything, I have learned a few very important lessons from all this. I am ready to love, be loved and give myself fully. I feel relaxed, patient, understanding. When I think about this story, it reminds me of a beautiful book I read, "Only Love is Real". It talks about the different soul mates we have in this world (yes, you can have more than one!) I will just say, that these things do in fact happen, and I feel blessed, and grateful that I experienced this, regardless of what happens. Just being able to experience this intense feeling and connection is enough for me to know that love is in fact very real.
I also learned to be honest with my emotions and feelings. I told "G" how I felt. Maybe he's digesting it. Processing. Contemplating. The point is that I told him and I was honest. When you can be honest with your emotions and feelings, it is the best way to show love to the most important person- to yourself! Next time you feel the urge to say how you feel to someone you care about, DO IT. It is one of the most liberating experiences the human mind and spirit has. Complete honesty allows your soul to be free and is the fuel to growth and evolution in relationships. You can try to convince yourself to believe something else, but deep down you will always know the truth of your true emotions and thoughts, might as well embrace it today and always.
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